Freaking Irritable!

You know - I am about ready to believe she is never coming out of there. And I don't like these irritable feelings I am getting. I have about a 2-second tolerance with the dog before she gets yelled at and put outside.

I was thinking about how I am getting irritable & cranky while taking a bath and that just made me sad, so I start crying. And then I am sad because I can't control my feelings at all. And I cry some more. And none of this is funny. It is just irritating.

And I am irritated that of the 4 times I saw the doctor in the last 2 weeks, he has lead us to believe any day now, just a couple more days. And I know that it wasn't just me trying to hear something I wanted to hear, 'cuz daddy was with me the last 2 times. And when I go in tomorrow for my weekly appt. he just better do his vaginal exam and say ok, here's your stats and go home. Don't give me this crap that it is any day now. She's not coming out! She's staying in there as long as possible to make me feel miserable, to finally give me some stretch marks (there just ain't anymore room in there, she's gotta be getting uncomfortable), to make my back constantly hurt, to keep me up all day and night with contractions and a cramping back so that I can only sleep for 45-60 minutes before I gotta try & change positions & get up to pee. And let me tell you - it's not easy trying to change positions in bed. What once was something that was taken for granted is now something that takes every ounce of energy and last breath to do, and you STILL might now be comfortable and have to change again. I am Soooooo Tired and the baby hasn't even come yet to keep me awake with her crying and feedings.

So, don't give me that shit about she's coming any day now. 'Cuz I don't want to hear it and frankly I don't believe it. It's kinda like going on a trip - at least for me - you are all excited for it and you may lose sleep before it actually happens, but then whether or not you have a good time or are miserable depends upon your expectations. If you are expecting all these things will happen and they will happen in a certain way, then you get upset and disappointed when it doesn't go that way. But if you just expect that you will go on the trip and take things as they come, you are bound to have a lot more fun. That's how I feel right now. I was doing good thinking I was going to have a baby before June. I didn't know when, or if I will choose to use pain drugs or not, or just what will happen. But then I got the expectation that it could be any day soon, then probably in the next couple of days - well, not anymore! No more expectations! And stop setting me up for diappointment. It's pissing me off.

And I'm irritated by the advice already. Before I took it in stride and would decide what I was going to use and wasn't. Now - I don't want to hear it. None of it. Even if it is good stuff and I will appreciate it. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! If I ask you, that's different. But you know what - I don't even want to talk to people. I accidently left my phone off on Friday (since we couldn't have it on in the birthing room and I never remembered to turn it back on) and when I did turn it back on - there were all these messages. Bah! Leave me alone. THE BABY IS NEVER COMING OUT! I am half-tempted to turn off my phone and the home phone forever, you think I am exaggerating here - but right now I mean forever. When we have the baby, daddy will send out an email from my email account (I already have an email set up ion draft form so that he lets everyone know when she finally decides to grace us with her presence), and will put a post on here, and he'll make the necessary calls to those people that need to know right away.

And now I'm crying again as I re-read this post because I sound like such a bitch, but I don't want to change any of it because that is how I feel.

People have told me I should save all these postings and use them as a deterrant for my daughter (which who knows anymore - the doctor lead me to believe it's a girl - and I don't believe him anymore), in order to keep her from wanting to have sex early and possibly have a baby. But honestly, now I think I need to print it off for me. You hear from all these people how their pregnancy sucked or the labor sucked, but somehow after the baby was born there must be some chemical released in your brain (or maybe the doctor whips out one of those gadgets they have on Men In Black to erase your memory) and you forget about how sick you were, how much pain you were in, how irritable you were, and decide to have another one. Stupid brain chemicals and men with gadgets to erase your memories!

Time to go be irritable on the couch in front of the TV because there is nothing on and then cry because I feel stupid because I am mad at the TV. Sister Steph is probably laughing at this whole post right now - but you just wait! You wait until the dogs whining annoys you, and people are calling you wondering if you had the baby (but no! you just went home after many hours - I wish they would have just sent me home right away - but now I know! I am not going in until it's much worse and I can't talk and I am certainly not letting them keep me hooked up to those damn machines so much.), and crying because you are crying. Then I will ask you (which will totally annoy you), it's not so funny now is it?